Men create havens in garages, basements

Is it a refuge? A clubhouse? What is this thing, this man cave? And is it dangerous?

This is what the women folk may want to know. For some men, it's all too clear: The man cave is sanctuary.

"When we're married, we have to give up a lot of territory, then when we have kids, we give up more territory," said Joe Stone, 40, a minister in Thornton. "We have this tiny area of territory that we'll defend to the death."

That's the cave. It's often in the basement but sometimes in the garage among the garden tools. And it's trendy. Turn on the television: DIY Network airs "Man Caves" and HGTV will launch "Man Land" in June.

Reach out to friends, asking to speak with their friends who have a man cave, and wait for the responses to roll in:
From Columbia, S.C.: "I have one of those! TV with cable. Refrigerator. Pingpong table. Hockey equipment. We haven't had a car in that garage in years."

From Dubuque, Iowa: The man cave is where "my decorations or sports memorabilia actually get to be on display where no one else sees it, since it doesn't go with the rest of the house's ‘decor.'"

From Anchorage, Alaska: "It's where I go to unwind (to watch movies). It's mostly subterranean; no light gets in or gets out. It's the ‘war room' - we pay our taxes from down there."

From Overland Park, Kan.: "We built a sports basement a few years ago that is the ultimate ‘man cave,' especially during football season. It is outfitted with a big screen, full bar, fireplace, pool table, pingpong table, book shelves, Wii and autographed footballs. A buddy of mine has nicknamed it ‘Nirvana.' My 17-year old-son has friends over nearly every weekend and they immediately head for the basement."

Then there was the young man at the Arvada liquor store who said his cave is the Barcalounger in his garage. He doesn't have a wife, but he does have roommates. The need for his own domain was the same.

"The man cave is a place where they don't have any ... social demands on them," said Mark L. Held, a clinical psychologist in Greenwood Village.

The cave is where men are free from relating to people, from the "honey-do" list, from talking about their day with their wives. It's neither immature nor pathological, Held said, for a man to need this time alone - killing tanks on Wii or watching a ball game - and it can serve a marriage well.

Men who need time alone in their caves "are people who don't find talking to other people as energizing," Held said. "They see it as a demand, as draining."

Wives need not feel rejected if their husbands spend a few minutes in the cave every day, Held says, although there's a big difference between minutes and hours. Cave dwelling may be a sign of depression, he said.

"You have to come out of the cave," he said. "You can't live in it."

Caves range from the bare-bones variety that includes a sofa and a TV, to the high-end one that boasts flatscreens and framed art. Stone, the minister, is a staunch believer in "less is more." A well-heeled man cave misses the point of getting back to basics to lessen the stress load.

"They shine too much," he said. "There's too much welcome in there."

Stone speaks of "defensive perimeters" to maintain his sanctuary. (He also plays a lot of the interactive war game "Call of Duty" in there.)

"You have to learn the relative balance of filth," Stone explained. "If it's too dirty it will affect your relationship with your kids and your wife."

He keeps cereal bowls, a few empty beer bottles and some clothes lying around his basement cave - nothing too offensive. He also tries to clean it weekly "so I don't get sick."

His wife, Laura Stone, 38, has come to terms with the unkempt room, he said.

"She navigates through it," Stone said. "I keep a trail open for her."

Stone laughs at himself and what he believes is some primordial need.

"There is something, definitely, to this," he said. "After a long day of hunting and gathering, we want to go back to the safety of our cave."

"If I could have a campfire in my basement, a spit and a good dog, I would be content for the rest of my life. As long as the fire would also power my TV, my gaming computer, my surround sound and my ESPN Game Zone."

Like Stone, others allow family into their caves. Todd Moshier, 39, an account manager at a graphics design business in Columbia, S.C., keeps a pink lawn chair in his garage-based man cave so he can watch "SpongeBob" cartoons with his 5-year-old daughter, Laura Claire. But he's also got speakers so large they could double as furniture.

"I have the speakers that I wasn't ‘allowed' to bring in the house wired up out there, too," Moshier said. "I can rock out."

Yes, the man cave may also be a response to women's tendency to do the nesting and decorating in the rest of the house.

"It goes back to the tree house, the clubhouse, the ‘no girls allowed,'" said Monica Pedersen, a designer on HGTV's "Designed to Sell." "I think it's their adult version of that, and I don't blame them for that."

Design tips for a masculine-charged space

For Jason Cameron, host of DIY Network's "Man Caves," the bare-bones man space just won't do. Testosterone must seep out of every corner.

"It's got to speak to you that this is a man cave when you walk in," said Cameron.

Cameron, and co-host Tony "The Goose" Siragusa, a former NFL defensive lineman, have created two dozen man caves in the nearly two seasons they've been on the air. Most are sports-related, with memorabilia, but they've built at least one cigar lounge and a wine-tasting room.

The man caves they like have two things in common: There's a bar, often with a Kegerator, and a flatscreen TV, the bigger, the better.

Some things that cannot go into the man cave: scented candles, potpourri, tchotchkes, doilies, baby toys, neon paint colors and plants ("guys usually kill them anyway," Cameron said). The list grows longer with every new episode of "Man Caves."

Cameron recommends earth-tone paint colors, or as he puts it, "earthy man colors," and hard surfaces, such as rock, brick and steel.

"It's back to the cave thing," he said.

Comfortable seating is a must, and the lights can't glare on that giant TV.

Monica Pedersen, a designer on HGTV's "Designed to Sell," is creating her husband's cave in their suburban Chicago home and also has design tips.

She recommends wall units that fit all of a man's stereo, TV and gaming components, with room to spare for future purchases.

"If your man falls more and more in love with his space, he'll need more storage," Pedersen said.

If the cave has windows or doors to outside, Pedersen suggests protecting electronics in cabinets behind glass doors.
For seating, she recommends something sectional that can be added to later, preferably in leather because it holds up well and cleans up easily. When it comes to furniture, "look for options," said Pedersen. "Your guy might want this right now, but you might want to add to it or change it" later.

Caves don't have to have that dark, 1970s feel, she said. "We have this idea in our head of the man cave and how it's going to look, but it can be clean and sleek looking," she said.

For a guy with a lot of opinions about the cave, you'd think Cameron would have one of his own. You'd be mistaken. He and his wife live in a 1,000-square-foot condo in Hoboken, N.J. - there's not an inch to spare.

Does this concern Cameron? Not in the slightest.

"I've built so many now, so when it comes time to build my man cave, I'll know exactly what I want," he said.