BARRY NOREEN: TAPS program helps military families cope with loss

    Melissa Givens and Bridgette Van Dusen are bracing for the arrival of another May.

    Others welcome springtime's renewal. For them, May renews the pain.

    The women became widows in May 2003, when their husbands, both soldiers deployed from Fort Carson, died in Iraq. Pfc. Jesse Givens was the first Fort Carson soldier to die there; Chief Warrant Officer Brian Van Dusen died eight days later.

    The widows attended a gathering at Fort Carson on Saturday sponsored by TAPS - the Tragedy Assistance Program for Survivors. The program reaches out to family members of those killed on duty, offering grief counseling and other services, including events such as Saturday's luncheon and seminar.

    Losing a loved one so suddenly to a violent death often is overwhelming.

    "It's five years later," Givens said. "I guess I'm less numb."

    She delivered a baby boy 28 days after she buried her husband. She described coping as "learning how to do everything again."

    Grief sometimes has a way of sneaking up on you. Van Dusen found that out the hard way.

    She recalled calling out for pizza. When the doorbell rang, it was the casualty notification team, and her husband wasn't coming home.

    "I was well-composed for a good two years. Then I hit rock bottom," she said. "I found out the beer wasn't going to work anymore."

    The widows became a twowoman support group for each other. They chat on the phone regularly and, to some degree, hang out together.

    Experts say it's important for those who have lost a loved one to have people they can talk to about their loss.

    "We need to find people who are worthy of sharing our story," said Tina Barrett, a TAPS grief counselor.

    Barrett said all sorts of stimuli - sounds, smells, pictures, clothing - can trigger memories. It's important for survivors not to avoid the stimuli, Barrett said, so that over time, they can sustain the loss in a less intense way, emotionally.

    "Disney on Ice was coming, and I wasn't sure I would go, because that was the last thing we did as a family before he deployed," Van Dusen said.

    She and Givens decided to take the kids anyway.

    "Every May, I go to Disney World," Givens said, acknowledging that the trip is therapy for the gloomiest of months.

    The trauma of losing a loved one can lead to sleep disorders, substance abuse, deep depression and even thoughts of suicide. 

    A key lesson is that "everybody deals with grief in their own way," TAPS Director Bonnie Carroll said. "TAPS brings all these families together so they know they're not alone."

    Contact Barry Noreen at 636-0363 or noreen@gazette.com. He appears every other Friday on KOAA's Comcast Channel 9 at 4 p.m.