Prom: A night of many decisions

It is one of the rites of passage that define a child's approach to adulthood. It also is a time for kids to demonstrate how much they have learned about making wise decisions. If all goes well, many wonderful memories result. But, if the night goes badly, lives can be deeply affected.

Prom is an established part of our culture many young people look forward to with great anticipation. Much time, money, and effort are spent getting the perfect date, the perfect clothes and the perfect flowers. Just as many decisions are made during and after the event as are in preparing for it. With so many decisions at hand, teens often seek the advice of friends, parents and adult mentors.

This advice is crucial to helping children make wise decisions and gain a sense of healthy independence. The three basic principles of the Love and Logic parenting method below can help prepare teens to make better decisions on a night rife with negative opportunities.

Principle No. 1: Demonstrate the lessons you want your children to learn. Parents who stay out late without notifying their teens or drive away from a fender-bender are teaching their children the wrong priorities. These parents are not very effective when they tell their kids to behave. Remember the old saying, "You're actions speak so loud, I can't hear the words you say."

Principle No. 2: Give children information without telling them what to think. Providing people with information without telling them what to do with it is a skill many adults never consider. However, doing so avoids many of the opportunities for power struggles that result in rebellion. It's even hard for a teenager to snarl back when a parent says, "I felt really panicked and sick when you weren't home last night when we had agreed" and then waits quietly for the teen to respond.

Principle No. 3: Focus the conversation on how your child's behavior will eventually affect him. Kids often view their behavior as affecting others. As a result, young people often need guidance to understand they are actually the primary recipients. Upon one teen's announcement to her father that she could have sex whenever she wanted, in response, her dad paused, and with empathy said, "Honey, you're right about that, and I'm sure you can handle being pregnant and raising a child on your own."

A word of caution: Too often, parents use threats, intimidation and humiliation in an attempt to force their children to avoid tragedy. Unfortunately, when punishment and reward are the only methods of control, kids start to believe doing what the adult has warned against is a sure way to feel independent. It is more effective for kids to learn independence is best attained by learning to making wise choices.

The goal of Love and Logic is to guide children into wisdom. Raising our kids to be ready for important decisions is best done as a regular part of our parenting, rather than an afterthought as they are walking out of the door.

Jim Fay and David Funk, www.loveandlogic.com