Help your teen stick it out in college

Everybody knows college is supposed to be "the happiest four years of your life." Not too much pressure on an 18-year-old, huh?

We send them off with high expectations, but what happens when your freshman is unhappy? Is this the time to revert to being a helicopter parent, hover over the college campus, scoop up your child and bring him home? Probably not.

Thankfully, most initial feelings of awkwardness wear off fairly quickly. Students tend to find a group; whether that means hanging out with students from their high school, members of their dorm or colleagues from a club they've joined. That's the good news.

The bad news is that the "latching on," pairing off or traveling in "freshmen herds," usually happens quickly, and some students feel left out from the get-go.

Typically, if students are unhappy, it is more about fitting in socially than worrying about their academics. Their classes may be bigger and even more boring than in high school, but not being invited out for pizza ranks higher in their hierarchy of social needs.

Parents are usually the recipients of the "roommate from hell" telephone calls with desperate pleas to let them drop out and come home. Most student-counseling services advise parents to listen, listen some more and offer constructive suggestions, including speaking to a resident adviser, seeking counseling at the health center, joining new clubs or organizations and even taking some steps outside their comfort zone by initiating conversations with new people.

Parents need to help the students identify what isn't working for them. Is it their roommate, their friends, the social atmosphere, their classes, their dorm, the food, the weather? Some students have simply made bad choices for themselves and didn't select a college that is a good fit for them academically or socially.

Few things are more tortuous than listening to an unhappy child pour his or her heart out on the telephone. If you start receiving those dreaded calls on a nightly basis, it may be time for some intervention. However, unless parents are seriously concerned about their student's safety or mental health, toughing it out at least through the first semester and hopefully through their entire freshman year is usually the wisest advice.

Sometimes just explaining to students that they are not alone and that most freshmen are going through similar self-doubt is enough to get them through the moment.

My friend shared a story about her freshman daughter who called crying that she was miserable and wanted to come home. My friend was torn, but she calmed her daughter down and agreed to talk the next day.

The mom said she barely slept that night and was dreading the call the following day. She waited and waited, there was no call and finally, she tentatively dialed her daughter. To her amusement, her daughter told her she'd had a great evening, she loved school and she barely remembered the conversation from the day before! This is when we all need to remember that yes, they have grown up quite a bit and yes, they are still teenagers.

Lee Bierer is an independent college adviser based in Charlotte, N.C. For more information, visit www.collegeadmissionsstrategies.com.