Mom's tragedy shows what love is and isn't

Seventeen-year-old Andrew Brown's obituary didn't try to hide how he died.

He'd driven after another vehicle in which his ex-girlfriend was riding with some other teenagers. When he caught up to it, Brown shot two of the teens, beat the girl with the butt of a shotgun, then killed himself as police arrived.

The obituary attributed his death to his "undying love."

Michael Fisher, the 18-year-old shot and killed by Brown 14 months ago, was a victim of sick obsession, not love, his mother wants teens to understand.

"I was really upset by that because I just don't see it that way," Barbara Fisher said Monday, the first day of National Teen Dating Violence Awareness week.

One in three high schoolers is involved in an abusive relationship - emotional, physical or sexual. It is a problem recognized by the federal Centers for Disease Control and Prevention as a health epidemic.

"A lot of times, what is really obsession can feel really loving in the beginning. and it is really flattering," said Cheryl Stueve, who through TESSA talks to teens about dating violence.

"All of a sudden, this person is here all the time, touching all the time. He's jealous, and teens misinterpret that as ‘Oh, you're so lucky. He cares so much.' What they're not identifying is that's not happy; that's not love."

TESSA is a nonprofit that focuses on prevention, intervention and treatment services for victims of domestic violence and sexual assault in El Paso and Teller counties.

Fisher has never spoken with Tiffany Howard, the then-16-year-old girl Brown was stalking the day Michael Fisher died and Jeremy Vasquez was critically wounded.

Vasquez was with Michael Fisher when Howard called him to pick her up at Doherty High School, telling him she was concerned about Brown. It was the first time Fisher had met her.

Brown followed their vehicle, in which 15-year-old Caleb Moore also was a passenger.

Brown shot Vasquez in the head, made a U-turn and killed Fisher as the rest of the teenagers got out to help Vasquez.

"I hope that (Howard) has learned something from this experience and doesn't think that it was his undying love which caused that," Barbara Fisher said. "I hope she realizes that it was his sick obsession."

Fisher agrees with Stueve and Julie Sage, another TESSA worker who deals with domestic violence in rural areas, that the media has a lot to do with promoting obsession and Romeo-and-Juliet-like despair as love.

Fisher was shocked when she heard her son listening to Sean Kingston's "Beautiful Girls," whose lyrics go, "You're way too beautiful, girl. That's why it'll never work. You'll have me suicidal, suicidal..." She confronted him about it and he assured her he only liked the song.

The group also agrees that it is crucial for parents to talk to teens about what healthy and unhealthy relationships look like.

"(Michael) had his heart broken lots of times, but we always had a really open relationship where he could come to me and say, ‘Mom, I'm hurt; she hurt my feelings. Why do girls do that? I don't understand,'" Fisher said.

"I wasn't deliberately nosey. I wanted to be cautious and make sure he was making good choices and wasn't needing more help than I could give him."

Fisher no longer has a child to help with relationship problems.

"Everything was a first," Fisher said. "He was going to be out of school and on his way. And I was going to one day have grandkids. All those hopes are gone."

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Teen dating violence warning signs for teens:

•He tells you he can't live without you.

•She blames you for her problems.

•He breaks or hits things to intimidate you.

•Your weight, appearance, or grades have changed dramatically since you started seeing this person.

•He threatens to hurt himself or others if you break up with him.

•The person you are dating acts jealously, says jealous things, or exhibits aggressive behaviors towards you.

•He pressures you into having sex, or forces you to do sexual things you don't want to do by saying, "If you really loved me you would..."

•She humiliates you and belittles your opinions.

DETAILS

Teens and parents can call TESSA's kid help line at 243-7818 with questions or for tips on how to deal with abusive relationships.