The ultimate Valentine's Day movie?

GRADE: C

VALENTINE’S DAY

Cast: Ashton Kutcher, Jennifer Garner, Anne Hathaway, Bradley Cooper

Director: Garry Marshall

Theaters: Carmike, Chapel Hills, Cine-mark, Hollywood, Tinseltown

Rated: PG-13 (for some sexual material and brief partial nudity)

Running Time: 2 hours, 5 minutes

“Valentine’s Day,” I saw “Love Actually,” I knew “Love Actually,” “Love Actually” was a friend of mine. “Valentine’s Day,” you’re no “Love Actually.”

Veteran director (which merely means he should have known better) Garry Marshall, the man behind the camera for “Pretty Woman,” oversaw this pretzel of intertwining story lines of some Angelenos that takes place over the course of a single Valentine’s Day.

There’s Reed, who’s engaged to Morley but is probably better suited for Julia — if it weren’t for the fact that she’s head over heels for Harrison, who has a secret she won’t like.

There’s Jason, who has just started dating Liz, who has a secret he won’t like. There’s Edison, who has a babysitter named Grace (who is trying to find time to get with Alex), who works for Estelle, who is married to Edgar, who has a secret she won’t like. There’s Kara, who hates valentines, unless they come from Kelvin, but is too preoccupied with Sean, who has a secret some people won’t like. Then there’s Kate and Holden, who don’t know each other long enough to have secrets either would dislike, and Willy and Felicia, who don’t possess the mental acuity to even know what a secret is. Got all that?

“Valentine’s Day” is a frivolous and saccharine American rip off of the far superior (and no less syrupy) British comedy, “Love Actually” (even going so far as to nearly duplicate several story lines). But whereas “Love Actually” gracefully integrated its story lines, blending characters and situations together in a way that, if not totally believable, was, at least, competently executed, “Valentine’s Day” is the narrative equivalent of a length of string that comes out of your pocket in a nearly impenetrable tangle. And whereas “Love Actually” had genuine heart, this one has nothing but a sickly sweet piece of chocolate in a similar shape.

If this film is a valentine to anything, it’s the City of Angels. Marshall ensures we catch site of nearly every single landmark in greater Los Angeles. “Valentine’s Day” is like a movie version of one of those “Map to the Stars’ Homes” you can find on virtually any street corner in L.A. It’s the sort of movie that would have you believe someone like Jessica Biel is incapable of finding a date. Only in Hollywood.

Los Angeles is a city of nearly 10 million people, and if this movie is to be believed, they all know one another. What’s being billed as an all-star cast is actually a small army of A- and B-list actors — 19 at last count — including, but not limited to Jessica Alba, Kathy Bates, Jessica Biel, Bradley Cooper, Eric Dane, Patrick Dempsey, Hector Elizondo, Jamie Foxx, Jennifer Garner, Topher Grace, Anne Hathaway, Ashton Kutcher, Queen Latifah, Taylor Lautner, George Lopez, Shirley MacLaine, Emma Roberts, Julia Roberts and Taylor Swift.

While there are some nice bits, including a clumsily executed if sweet moment with two Shirley MacLaines (no, one of them is not reincarnated) there is not nearly enough here to justify the sequel Warner Bros. has already greenlit.

Slick and superficial, “Valentine’s Day” has all the nutritional value of a package of Sweet Tarts, accompanied by the same sugar crash and inevitable bad complexion.