Toby Keith exposes ‘The Critic’

I’ve been living with a dark secret for the past few years.

No, I’m not talking about those pictures of me in a skirt that surfaced from my college years.

I’m talking about my evil alter-ego, a part of me that was exposed in a very public way by Toby Keith. I am “The Critic.”

The painful memories have been flooding my dreams again with the self-proclaimed “Big Dog Daddy” coming back to Colorado for a show at Red Rocks on Thursday night.

It all started when Toby Keith released “Courtesy of the Red, White, & Blue (The Angry American)” and came to the Colorado State Fair in Pueblo in August 2002. Back then, I was a young and passionate music critic, cocksure of my opinions and views.

I shot him down.

His “American way” philosophy and lyrics seemed a bit jingoistic to me. But I was snarky and selfrighteous in my review. To wit: “As it turns out, says maverick scholar Toby Keith, true Americanism actually hinges on a complex global policy involving the insertion of pointed footwear into foreigners’ rectal cavities.”

I made fun of his singing, too: “His loud, mediocre voice is more suited to loud, mediocre music.”

Lo and behold, about 15 months later comes the Toby Keith album “Shock’N Y’all.” There was a shuffling ditty toward the end called “The Critic,” and it was about me.

Keith insists on his Web site that the song was written for a bunch of critics — “It’s written for anyone who took a nasty shot at me and didn’t have to answer for it.”

But the song pokes fun at a newspaper critic. And where does this dastardly critic work? The Gazette.

Still not convinced? Check out these lyrics:

“He learned two or three chords on a pawn shop guitar/He just never quite had what it took to be a star/So he’s a critic. I work for the Gazette, man.”

Keith didn’t have time to talk to me about the song. And when I tried to confess to his publicist, she told me, in so many words, that I am delusional.

I was reminded of the old Carly Simon tune “You’re So Vain,” about Warren Beatty, with the vexing lyrics: “You’re so vain, you probably think this song is about you.” Well, the song is about him, right? So, is he vain or just perceptive?

Not long after “The Critic” came out, I put away my critic’s pen forever, with a hint of shame and remorse.

Plus, Toby Keith is an angry Oklahoman who played football, wears cowboy boots, drives big trucks and has bodyguards. So, when he rolls into Colorado, I won’t be anywhere in the vicinity. If you see him, tell him I’m sorry.