OPINION: Falcon should lose religion

Falcon School District 49 officials want to make sure their teachers don't break the law.

More specifically, they want to be certain one of the teachers doesn't magically transform into Congress sometime around Christmas this year (oops, that should be sometime around "winter.")

If a teacher wakes up as Congress one morning this winter, he or she could present a nasty dilemma. Serving as Congress, this teacher could accidentally make a law respecting the establishment of religion. Or, the teacher-turned-Congress could accidentally prohibit the free exercise of religion. Either would be a bad deal.

Seriously, though, district officials have embarked upon a complicated mission - one involving a team of lawyers - to stave off any potential violations of the First Amendment as time moves us all toward the federal holiday known as Christmas.

Two years ago, district officials voted to place "Christmas break" rather than "winter break" on the school calendar. Judging the outrage expressed, you'd have thought they had hired James Dobson as superintendent and ordered women to wear burkas. It almost triggered a recall election.

The new mission will involve district lawyers poring over case law for rulings and judicial interpretations that will lead to new religion guidelines for teachers and staff.

School board members want to know which, if any, Christmas songs can be sung by school children. They want to know if a teacher violates the law by sending Christmas cards to students. They want to know what can and can't be taught about Christmas. They have a whole bunch of questions like that.

Here's exactly what the law in question states, as written by the founders of this country: "Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof."

So of course, if a teacher says "Merry Christmas" to a child, or dresses like an elf, the teacher has become Congress and passed a law respecting religion. That teacher has crammed religion down some secularist's throat. Sure. That's what the First Amendment means. It means we had best not let a teacher acknowledge Christmas - a tradition deeply rooted in American culture.

One can't blame school officials for wanting a full, detailed legal situation report regarding their rights. Religious liberties have come under unprecedented attack by the ACLU, the Freedom From Religion Foundation, Ayn Rand junkies and unemployed grown men who live in their parents' basements and philosophize about the beginning of time. But whatever the sitrep tells them, they should follow this advice: Simply avoid "Christmas" references or symbolism, or anything else pertaining to Christianity. Put "winter break" back on the calendar. Don't even use the word "holiday," as it's derived from the word "holy." The angry Christian haters are growing bolder by the day and they're prowling for prey. Do not give these people the material they so desperately want because it will only cause you grief. Vigilantly scour your schools of religion, despite the free exercise clause.

But don't scour the schools only of the Christian religion. Remove all things pertaining to religion. That means: no Halloween; no May Day; no Easter; no Valentine's Day; no St. Patrick's Day; no Ramadan; no Kwanzaa; no Tomoe or Yin Yang symbols; and by all means no Yoga - a deeply religious Hindu ritual teachers use to calm students down. If teachers are leading Yoga, they might as well install Catholic kneelers and lead students in meditation.

Of course, what the founders wanted was a religious free-for-all, in which anyone was free to practice any religion any time and any place. They wanted to protect us from the federal government (read: "Congress") imposing a religion on the collective. Given that, we can see why the religion haters blow arteries if a teacher tapes Santa to a wall. If a public school doesn't protect the children from all signs of Christmas, after all, it becomes like Congress forcing a religion on us all. Yeah, right.